Harry to Marry: It’s Princess Lear!

Prince Harry has announced his shock engagement to the Queen of Chinatown, Amanda Lear.

With Britain set to celebrate the Queen’s silver jubilee and the Royal family still basking in the glow of William’s showstopping wedding a year ago, Prince Harry has delighted royalists and disco fans alike by announcing that he is to wed Amanda Lear.

The Queen is said to be delighted with the news, even quoting a line from one of Lear’s hits in a hastily arranged meeting with US Secretary of State Hilary Clinton. Said Her Majesty, “Is Lear devil or angel? Is she question or answer? Is she real or am I dreaming?”.

The Queen clearly enthused about Prince Harry’s choice of bride at a hastily arranged meeting with Hilary Clinton.

Lear, an acclaimed artiste and one time concubine of the late Salvador Dali, is said to have met the Prince at a Richmond branch of the upmarket supermarket chain Waitrose. Reaching for a tub of preserved artichokes, the diva locked eyes with a somewhat inebriated Harry who offered ‘to give a little mmh’ to her before making a lewd reference to his ‘ginger disco balls’.

Windsor-watchers are on the whole positive about the union. Last year’s wedding between Prince William and Kate Middleton led to an unprecedented surge in support for the Royal family and the arrival of Princess Lear would certainly capture the world’s attention.

For their part, Lear’s legion of fans are somewhat divided. Some are delighted to see their heroine take her rightful places amongst the regal elite and speculating wildly on what the adventurous dresser will wear at what they are already dubbing ‘the wedding of the disco-llenium”. Others though point to the tragic horrors that befell another iconic, glamorous blonde who married in to the House of Windsor: Princess Diana. Whatever the outcome, Prince Harry has guaranteed that all eyes will be on the Royals for some time to come.

Amanda Lear is rumoured to be a transsexual.

Tears for Queers have been chosen to host a special engagement party to celebrate this wonderful union tonight at the George & Dragon, Hackney Road, London from 8pm . Come. Come. Come.

Dilma Rousseff: the Dancehall President?

DJ Dilma at work

DJ President Rousseff shows Tears for Queers her fun side with incredible, filthy Ladies of Dancehall playlist. Click here to hear Dilma’s Dirty Divas.

Brazilian President Dilma Rousseff has stunned world leaders and Jamaican music fans alike by releasing a mixtape of lady-led dancehall floor fillers. Until now Dilma had been more famous for her economics than her passion for dancehall divas with strident views on a woman’s right to receive oral sex. But it was while serving time in prison for revolutionary conspiracies against Brazil’s loathed military dictatorship that a young Dilma fell in love with dancehall.

The mixtape brought a huge boost to Dilma’s poll numbers, provoking other leaders to try and prove their credentials in the race for the title ‘World’s Flyest National Leader’. An impromptu skiffle performance by David Cameron fell flat after he misread the mood in a recent European Council meeting.

Dilma’s playlist has been released in partnership with international DJ sensations, Tears for Queers. Tears for Queers will be dropping some of Dilma’s nastiest selections alongside some wholly uncomplimentary pop tunes this Friday at the George and Dragon in Hackney, East London.

Dilma’s Dancehall Divas playlist in full:

Tears for Queers play, soaked in gin, first Friday of the month every month in the George and Dragon for free from 8ish to 12ish

Paris Hilton to join NATO as unpaid intern: she will wear glasses AND serious face.

Paris, whose own maxims include, "having a nightclub in your house really helps for having a party, because then you don’t need to go out"

With the nuclear futures of Iran and North Korea unclear and tensions rising in Russia, Paris Hilton is to begin an unpaid internship with NATO. Hilton, renowned for such insights as “it’s good to just smile and go on with your day”, convinced NATO’s boss to take her on after she was inspired to read Sun Tze’s Art of War at an fundraising buffet hosted by Warren Buffet.

Buffet’s Buffet is an annual charity bash hosted by the world’s richest man to raise money for a range of causes attended by the great and good from the world of politics, finance and pop. It climaxes in a typically near-nude party with legendary DJs, Tears for Queers. Hilton however spent almost the entire event deep in conversation with Chinese Vice President Xi Jinping. Paris was later seen wearing her glasses and her serious face to read Jinping’s personal copy of Sun Tzu’s Art of War, which has pictures.

Paris: spreading democracy by force makes me hot

The heiress then cornered NATO Secretary General Anders Fogh Rasmussen between a cheeseplant and Angela Merkel to demand he give her an internship in his office to “you know, like, help take over the world and stuff”. Paris, an upbeat blonde heiress who is seen by some as an incarnation of much of what is wrong with modern life, will join the international military alliance on an unpaid basis for the month of January.

Leading voices within NATO are known to be nervous about Hilton’s potential influence over Rasmussen at this critical time. In an attempt to counter those fears, the Secretary General’s Office focussed on Hilton’s love of Art of War, a cornerstone of strategic thought in war and business for over 2500 years. To demonstrate how Tzu’s bible of military maxims has influenced Hilton, NATO published a selection of Paris’s own aphorisms entitled Geopolitical Pearls from Paris!. It received a mixed reception from commentators however drawing praise from Justin Bieber but scorn from Henry Kissinger who immediately tweeted a withering one word response, “LOLZ!”.

Wise words from Paris, the Sage of Socialites:

  • “It’s good to just smile and go on with your day”.
  • “Trust is just a feeling that you have”.
  • “Having a nightclub in your house really helps for having a party, because then you don’t need to go out”.
  • “Dress cute wherever you go. Life is too short to blend in”.
  • “You may not be able to be hot when you’re seventy-five in a conventional sense. Like, young people won’t think you’re hot. But your husband will, and so will people your own age”.

Tears for Queers will be reprising some highlights from their Buffet’s Buffet set at their regular first Friday of the month residency in the The George & Dragon, from 8ish, on 6th January.

“Hackney riots were not caused by soaring price of hummus”, claims leading academic forced to deny improper relations with avocado

Just one hummus outlet decimated by tahini-mad rioters, claims report.

Following the publication of a controversial new study that claims riots in Hackney were sparked by the soaring price of hummus, a leading academic has been forced to rebut allegations he had improper relations with avocado.

Professor Tim Newman, Head of Social Policy at the London School of Economics, is seen as the leading voice on the civil unrest which rocked London in August. More accustomed to locking horns with leading figures in Government and academia, Professor Newman today found himself forced deny bizarre allegations surfacing on social networking sites that he had gotten too close to “at least two avocado”.

The chain of events began with a controversial report published by the Tahini Council that contradicts earlier research by Newman who found the London riots were a reaction to police oppression and socio-economic deprivation. While that may be true for the rest of London, the new Tahini Council report claims the riots in Hackney were distinct as they correlate with a spike in the street price of hummus.

“The Hackney riots can be directly attributed to unprecedented increases in the price of hummus which hit over £2 a 100g on the first day of unrest”, the report states before noting similar trends in the wholesale price of baba ganoush. The Council is calling for the removal of all import duties on tahini to suppress street prices of both dips and quell unrest.

Professor Newman, whose researchers have interviewed hundreds of rioters across the capital, rushed to rubbish the report citing the Tahini Council’s conflict of interest and limited credibility in the fields of either criminology or social policy.

Appearing on the Today programme with James Naughtie, Newman fumed, “the Tahini Council report is a transparent, baseless and dangerous attempt to boost sales of hummus on the back of Londoner’s suffering”.

Newman was clearly stunned when Naughtie then read out a preprepared response from the Tahini Council that implied the LSE boffin had worrying conflicts of his own. It read, “the public can decide for themselves why Professor Newman is so determined to ignore the obvious connection between riots and the street price of tahini-derived dips. Will he now come clean on how much funding he had taken from the guacamole lobby and on the exact nature of his personal relations with at least two avocado?”

The clearly flustered egghead’s garbled defence immediately unleashed a wave of suspicion on social networking sites that grew as the day went on. A further three avocado came forward with allegations of harassment against Newman and a sonnet he had penned in his student days entitled Spring nights with guacamole surfaced on Twitter.

As the pressure on him mounted, Newman issued a heartfelt declaration from the doorstep of his London home. “I am not having, and have never had, improper relations with avocado”.

Biggins: fights over prosecco and mint tea shortages were warnings

The hummus hypothesis has drawn a mixed review from prominent Hackney residents. Christopher Biggens said the warning signs were there after street fights broke out in 2009 over the availability of processo and mint tea. He went on to indulge in an entertaining but largely superfluous anecdote about Joan Collins. Legendary DJ superstars Tears for Queers, who perform a monthly residency in the borough, backed Professor Newman. A statement from the duo praised the rigour and focus of Newman’s research before defending “the man’s right to get funky with any fruit or root he desires”.

The political fallout from the scandal is not clear but it adds to existing tensions within the coalition. Home Secretary Theresa May has been keen to portray the riots as acts of wanton vandalism and has seized upon the Tahini Council’s findings to further undermine Newman’s research that policing and poverty were to blame. Liberal Democrats however are acutely aware of hummus lovers traditional support for their party and will be wary of doing any more to upset it.

Tears for Queers have invited both sides to “dance it out” at their next party in Hackney on 6 January from 8ish at the George & Dragon, 2 Hackney Road, E2 7NS.

Hillary Clinton snapped as Tears for Queers mixtape enters pant suit pocket

Ragga MC Killer Hilz caught at the exact moment the mixtape entered her trademark pantsuit.

Hillary Clinton, ragga MC and U.S. Secretary of State, was deeply pleasured today by a Tears for Queers mixtape she inserted in to the pocket of her trademark pantsuit. The mixtape, thought to have been handed to her by an elite troupe of Libyan rebels, contained 17 songs carefully curated by the global DJs to inspire euphoria amongst the freedom fighters. Clearly, the effect on Clinton was more potent still.

It is not the first time MC Killer Hilz, as the Secretary of State is known on the ragga scene, has been linked with Tears for Queers. Following an impromptu rap during the assassination of Osama Bin Ladan that drew widespread praise from military bigwigs, rumours grew that Clinton would make a guest appearance at the DJs’ notorious George & Dragon residency.

Just as Tears for Queers remained characteristically tight lipped about those rumours, so the party phenomenons have kept their counsel on which tracks sparked such sexual delight in Mrs Clinton. Forces on the ground in Tripoli suggested it could have been Linda Lyndell’s original version of What a Man. Others, conscious of Clinton’s dancehall heritage, suspect that nothing less than Lady Saw could have sparked such undisguised joy.

Tears for Queers could not be reached for comment amid rumours that having helped secure freedom for Libyans they are now focusing efforts on entirely revolutionising the chocolate brownie.

In the meantime, sample Clinton’s pleasure with Linda and Lady Saw…


Two songs to improve any morning

Your man, if he has any sense Eartha, is a long, long way from here.  With interiors to make any Congolese dictator jealous, a stare that could petrify livestock and her trademark growl, it’s a highly enjoyable slice of morning disco.

This one has no video but is so catchy you will be tormenting colleagues for hours

Sister Sledge: never afraid to braid.

Katy Perry’s Hollywood Smile Secret: DJ Dentist Told Me to Drink Cat’s Milk Straight from Cat

Perry with her trademark cat's milk smile alongside fat lactating feline

Legendary DJ and ‘dentist to the stars’ joins Tears for Queers tonight at 8ish for unprecedented party mayhem at the George and Dragon, 2 Hackney Road, London.

In a bizarre revelation, pop star Katy Perry has revealed the secret behind her incandescent million-dollar smile: cat’s milk. Perry claims her teeth transformed almost overnight from a dank, tarred brown to their current brilliance after she took unorthodox advice from an elusive dentist/DJ. The famous dentist, whose identity is unknown but whose clients include countless celebrities, instructed the California Gurls star to whiten her nashers by drinking cat’s milk direct from the cat. “You gotta get it right from the teat”, said Perry.

The glamorous dentist/DJ is renowned amongst the world’s rich and famous who will do anything to uncover her identity and join her select clientèle. However, the eminent clinician/entertainer only treats patients she herself chooses, rendering their tireless efforts futile. Madonna and Robert Mugabe are just two leading figures reported to be “devastated” by their failure to get themselves among the chosen few while several villages across the Sudan have benefited from the elusive molar-maniac’s little reported humanitarian work.

Originally from Galicia in Spain, the bewitching clinician is as famous for her film star good looks as her pioneering, if unorthodox, orthodontic advice. Yet it is her emergence as a leading DJ that is perhaps most surprising. She is famed across the planet for the potency of her anthemic party selections. It is only natural then that she should join forces with Tears for Queers tonight for an unprecedented frenzy of feelgood houseparty hits.

Pilar Bardem: "As a woman, a patient and music aficionado, I cannot describe the pride and joy I feel today knowing the dentist is joining Tears for Queers tonight at the George and Dragon from 8ish. Fiesta total".

The great and good from across the planet have been quick to laud the pairing. Pilar Bardem, who the mysterious DJ/dentist once advised to chew raccoons for halitosis, this morning declared her joy at hearing the news. “As a woman, a patient and music aficionado, I cannot describe the pride and joy I feel today knowing the dentist is joining Tears for Queers tonight at the George and Dragon from 8ish. Fiesta total”.

Tears for Queers (@tearsforqueers) play a floor shaking selection of party hits the first Friday of every month in notorious London den the George and Dragon, 2 Hackney Road, from 8ish to 12ish for free. Come and shake booty.