Tag Archives: wedding

Harry to Marry: It’s Princess Lear!

Prince Harry has announced his shock engagement to the Queen of Chinatown, Amanda Lear.

With Britain set to celebrate the Queen’s silver jubilee and the Royal family still basking in the glow of William’s showstopping wedding a year ago, Prince Harry has delighted royalists and disco fans alike by announcing that he is to wed Amanda Lear.

The Queen is said to be delighted with the news, even quoting a line from one of Lear’s hits in a hastily arranged meeting with US Secretary of State Hilary Clinton. Said Her Majesty, “Is Lear devil or angel? Is she question or answer? Is she real or am I dreaming?”.

The Queen clearly enthused about Prince Harry’s choice of bride at a hastily arranged meeting with Hilary Clinton.

Lear, an acclaimed artiste and one time concubine of the late Salvador Dali, is said to have met the Prince at a Richmond branch of the upmarket supermarket chain Waitrose. Reaching for a tub of preserved artichokes, the diva locked eyes with a somewhat inebriated Harry who offered ‘to give a little mmh’ to her before making a lewd reference to his ‘ginger disco balls’.

Windsor-watchers are on the whole positive about the union. Last year’s wedding between Prince William and Kate Middleton led to an unprecedented surge in support for the Royal family and the arrival of Princess Lear would certainly capture the world’s attention.

For their part, Lear’s legion of fans are somewhat divided. Some are delighted to see their heroine take her rightful places amongst the regal elite and speculating wildly on what the adventurous dresser will wear at what they are already dubbing ‘the wedding of the disco-llenium”. Others though point to the tragic horrors that befell another iconic, glamorous blonde who married in to the House of Windsor: Princess Diana. Whatever the outcome, Prince Harry has guaranteed that all eyes will be on the Royals for some time to come.

Amanda Lear is rumoured to be a transsexual.

Tears for Queers have been chosen to host a special engagement party to celebrate this wonderful union tonight at the George & Dragon, Hackney Road, London from 8pm . Come. Come. Come.

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Bruni denies wedding snub claiming: I chose GutterSlut

Bruni: I won't miss The Slut for that pair

Carla Bruni, the beautiful First Lady of France who shot to fame in the WWII documentary ‘Allo ‘Allo, denied she was not invited to the royal wedding today.  Twisting a string of pearls on her finger, Bruni insisted that she declined an invitation, preferring to preserve herself for infamous East London disco eruption, GutterSlut.

“I have waited too fucking long to shake my supermodel ass at The Slut to miss it for that pair”, stated Bruni. She went on to decry the Palace’s decision to hold the two epoch defining events so close together.  Bruni is not the only global leader forced to choose The Slut over the royal union. Both Nelson Mandela and Angela Merkel are rumoured to be attending East Bloc instead of Buckingham Palace.

A friend of Mandela’s confided, “I can’t confirm that Madiba will attend but everyone knows he loves Tears for Queers and is a big admirer of everything that’s happened at The Slut”.  Merkel could not be reached for comment.

Biya & Bruni

Bruni allegedly hid Biya's diffuser to limit her hair to just 17cm

If Bruni were to attend The Slut, it would further complicate the night of Chantal Biya.  Biya, already rumoured to be locked in a millinery death match with Aretha Franklin, has had a long running feud with Bruni ever since the French superstar hid Biya’s diffuser to limit the volume of the Cameroonian First Lady’s hair to a mere in 17cm in this famous photo.

Tears for Queers debut at GutterSlut, Saturday 30 May, East Bloc, 217 City Rd, London EC1V 1JN. https://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=199364706771127&ref=ts