Tears for Queers will be helping save Britain’s summer this Friday at the George & Dragon, 2 Hackney Road in London from about 8pm with a hitherto unimaginably wonderful selection of party hits.
Global DJ sensations, Tears for Queers, have announced an ambitious plan to voyage to the sun in an attempt to reason with the giant orb and save the UK’s summer. Condemning the lack of action by politicians and businesses to tackle the unjust weather, the DJs propose to lead a delegation which will try to reach consensus with the famously intransigent star.
The bold initiative to travel 149 million kilometres to talk to an inanimate object with a surface temperature of 5500°C, has sparked a bitter Twitter row between Nobel laureate physicist Prof. Stephen Hawkings and former Golden Girls actress Betty White.
Hawkings slammed the plan as unworkable, claiming it was “mad as a bag of tits” and going to so far as to promise to “eat my own buttocks” should it succeed. An infuriated Betty White attacked Hawkings’ defeatism and called on people to rally behind her beloved Tears for Queers. White called the interplanetary pow wow “worth a pop” before symbolically opening a bottle of champagne with her breasts.
Temperatures soared in London today in what some commentators have speculated to be a conciliatory gesture from the sun ahead of the proposed meetings with Tears for Queers.
For their part, the beloved global party-purveyors, used long time supporter Nicole Kidman to model the suits they intend to wear on their mission. Kidman highlighted the suit’s “perfect combination of protection and formality for a meeting of this kind”.
UN Secretary General and italo-disco legend, Ban Ki-moon, invited Tears for Queers to officially launch summer in April of this year. Since then though, Ban has made public his extreme concern with the insipid progress summer has made in the UK. A source close to Ban confided that, “while politicians haggled over who to blame for the cruel, cruel summer, Tears for Queers stepped up with the clarity that has made them so valuable on the global stage whether they be fermenting the Arab Spring or inventing the sequin”.
Tears for Queers will use their monthly residence at notorious London den the George and Dragon to rally support for their Save UK Summer campaign. They are calling on supporters to come to bar from 8ish until midnight “to shake some ass and flirt the summer back in to life”. Professor Hawkins is not expected to attend.