Prince Harry has announced his shock engagement to the Queen of Chinatown, Amanda Lear.
With Britain set to celebrate the Queen’s silver jubilee and the Royal family still basking in the glow of William’s showstopping wedding a year ago, Prince Harry has delighted royalists and disco fans alike by announcing that he is to wed Amanda Lear.
The Queen is said to be delighted with the news, even quoting a line from one of Lear’s hits in a hastily arranged meeting with US Secretary of State Hilary Clinton. Said Her Majesty, “Is Lear devil or angel? Is she question or answer? Is she real or am I dreaming?”.
The Queen clearly enthused about Prince Harry’s choice of bride at a hastily arranged meeting with Hilary Clinton.
Lear, an acclaimed artiste and one time concubine of the late Salvador Dali, is said to have met the Prince at a Richmond branch of the upmarket supermarket chain Waitrose. Reaching for a tub of preserved artichokes, the diva locked eyes with a somewhat inebriated Harry who offered ‘to give a little mmh’ to her before making a lewd reference to his ‘ginger disco balls’.
Windsor-watchers are on the whole positive about the union. Last year’s wedding between Prince William and Kate Middleton led to an unprecedented surge in support for the Royal family and the arrival of Princess Lear would certainly capture the world’s attention.
For their part, Lear’s legion of fans are somewhat divided. Some are delighted to see their heroine take her rightful places amongst the regal elite and speculating wildly on what the adventurous dresser will wear at what they are already dubbing ‘the wedding of the disco-llenium”. Others though point to the tragic horrors that befell another iconic, glamorous blonde who married in to the House of Windsor: Princess Diana. Whatever the outcome, Prince Harry has guaranteed that all eyes will be on the Royals for some time to come.
Paris, whose own maxims include, "having a nightclub in your house really helps for having a party, because then you don’t need to go out"
With the nuclear futures of Iran and North Korea unclear and tensions rising in Russia, Paris Hilton is to begin an unpaid internship with NATO. Hilton, renowned for such insights as “it’s good to just smile and go on with your day”, convinced NATO’s boss to take her on after she was inspired to read Sun Tze’s Art of War at an fundraising buffet hosted by Warren Buffet.
Buffet’s Buffet is an annual charity bash hosted by the world’s richest man to raise money for a range of causes attended by the great and good from the world of politics, finance and pop. It climaxes in a typically near-nude party with legendary DJs, Tears for Queers. Hilton however spent almost the entire event deep in conversation with Chinese Vice President Xi Jinping. Paris was later seen wearing her glasses and her serious face to read Jinping’s personal copy of Sun Tzu’s Art of War, which has pictures.
Paris: spreading democracy by force makes me hot
The heiress then cornered NATO Secretary General Anders Fogh Rasmussen between a cheeseplant and Angela Merkel to demand he give her an internship in his office to “you know, like, help take over the world and stuff”. Paris, an upbeat blonde heiress who is seen by some as an incarnation of much of what is wrong with modern life, will join the international military alliance on an unpaid basis for the month of January.
Leading voices within NATO are known to be nervous about Hilton’s potential influence over Rasmussen at this critical time. In an attempt to counter those fears, the Secretary General’s Office focussed on Hilton’s love of Art of War, a cornerstone of strategic thought in war and business for over 2500 years. To demonstrate how Tzu’s bible of military maxims has influenced Hilton, NATO published a selection of Paris’s own aphorisms entitled Geopolitical Pearls from Paris!. It received a mixed reception from commentators however drawing praise from Justin Bieber but scorn from Henry Kissinger who immediately tweeted a withering one word response, “LOLZ!”.
Wise words from Paris, the Sage of Socialites:
“It’s good to just smile and go on with your day”.
“Trust is just a feeling that you have”.
“Having a nightclub in your house really helps for having a party, because then you don’t need to go out”.
“Dress cute wherever you go. Life is too short to blend in”.
“You may not be able to be hot when you’re seventy-five in a conventional sense. Like, young people won’t think you’re hot. But your husband will, and so will people your own age”.
Tears for Queers will be reprising some highlights from their Buffet’s Buffet set at their regular first Friday of the month residency in the The George & Dragon, from 8ish, on 6th January.
Ragga MC Killer Hilz caught at the exact moment the mixtape entered her trademark pantsuit.
Hillary Clinton, ragga MC and U.S. Secretary of State, was deeply pleasured today by a Tears for Queers mixtape she inserted in to the pocket of her trademark pantsuit. The mixtape, thought to have been handed to her by an elite troupe of Libyan rebels, contained 17 songs carefully curated by the global DJs to inspire euphoria amongst the freedom fighters. Clearly, the effect on Clinton was more potent still.
It is not the first time MC Killer Hilz, as the Secretary of State is known on the ragga scene, has been linked with Tears for Queers. Following an impromptu rap during the assassination of Osama Bin Ladan that drew widespread praise from military bigwigs, rumours grew that Clinton would make a guest appearance at the DJs’ notorious George & Dragon residency.
Just as Tears for Queers remained characteristically tight lipped about those rumours, so the party phenomenons have kept their counsel on which tracks sparked such sexual delight in Mrs Clinton. Forces on the ground in Tripoli suggested it could have been Linda Lyndell’s original version of What a Man. Others, conscious of Clinton’s dancehall heritage, suspect that nothing less than Lady Saw could have sparked such undisguised joy.
Tears for Queers could not be reached for comment amid rumours that having helped secure freedom for Libyans they are now focusing efforts on entirely revolutionising the chocolate brownie.
In the meantime, sample Clinton’s pleasure with Linda and Lady Saw…
Perry with her trademark cat's milk smile alongside fat lactating feline
Legendary DJ and ‘dentist to the stars’ joins Tears for Queers tonight at 8ish for unprecedented party mayhem at the George and Dragon, 2 Hackney Road, London.
In a bizarre revelation, pop star Katy Perry has revealed the secret behind her incandescent million-dollar smile: cat’s milk. Perry claims her teeth transformed almost overnight from a dank, tarred brown to their current brilliance after she took unorthodox advice from an elusive dentist/DJ. The famous dentist, whose identity is unknown but whose clients include countless celebrities, instructed the California Gurls star to whiten her nashers by drinking cat’s milk direct from the cat. “You gotta get it right from the teat”, said Perry.
The glamorous dentist/DJ is renowned amongst the world’s rich and famous who will do anything to uncover her identity and join her select clientèle. However, the eminent clinician/entertainer only treats patients she herself chooses, rendering their tireless efforts futile. Madonna and Robert Mugabe are just two leading figures reported to be “devastated” by their failure to get themselves among the chosen few while several villages across the Sudan have benefited from the elusive molar-maniac’s little reported humanitarian work.
Originally from Galicia in Spain, the bewitching clinician is as famous for her film star good looks as her pioneering, if unorthodox, orthodontic advice. Yet it is her emergence as a leading DJ that is perhaps most surprising. She is famed across the planet for the potency of her anthemic party selections. It is only natural then that she should join forces with Tears for Queers tonight for an unprecedented frenzy of feelgood houseparty hits.
Pilar Bardem: "As a woman, a patient and music aficionado, I cannot describe the pride and joy I feel today knowing the dentist is joining Tears for Queers tonight at the George and Dragon from 8ish. Fiesta total".
The great and good from across the planet have been quick to laud the pairing. Pilar Bardem, who the mysterious DJ/dentist once advised to chew raccoons for halitosis, this morning declared her joy at hearing the news. “As a woman, a patient and music aficionado, I cannot describe the pride and joy I feel today knowing the dentist is joining Tears for Queers tonight at the George and Dragon from 8ish. Fiesta total”.
Tears for Queers (@tearsforqueers) play a floor shaking selection of party hits the first Friday of every month in notorious London den the George and Dragon, 2 Hackney Road, from 8ish to 12ish for free. Come and shake booty.
Tears for Queers will be saving UK summer this evening from 8pm or so in the notorious George & Dragon pub, 2 Hackney Road, London with a euphoric selection of shoe-shifting feelgood hits. Join them.
King Axayacatl: warns Tears for Queers that Sun God probably not a Tina Turner fan
The Aztec King Axayacatl took the airways today for the first time in over 500 years to throw his support behind a campaign run by legendary DJs Tears for Queers to travel to the sun and save UK summer. Axayacatl sought to woo the Sun God during the 15th century by directly sacrificing up to 20,000 humans a year. The King declined to comment on the likely success of the DJs’ more consensual plan to “reason with sun after a Tina Turner bonding session”. Instead, he used his largely unheralded return from the spirit world to praise Tears for Queers for “at least getting the Sun God’s blood-thirsty cruelty back on the agenda”.
Seeking to justify the scale of human sacrifice his regime oversaw, Axayacatl highlighted the enviable summers Aztec-era Mexico enjoyed and sought to shift responsibility for the “relatively small but not inconsiderable minority” of subjects killed on to the “unreasonable and rapacious Sun God, Tonatiuh”. He expressed disappointment that is has taken a lukewarm British summer combined with leadership from an enthusiastic, but frequently effeminate, DJ group to get the Sun God’s cruelty back in the heart of contemporary debate.
Tonatiuh: "unreasonable and rapacious" Sun God who demanded human sacrifice in exchange for nice weather
Privately, the King is extremely sceptical that the sun will show any willingness to seek consensus with Tears for Queers, despite their previous success persuading Neptune the Sea God to increase the number of prawns available for human consumption in the now infamous Paella Accord. Said the King,”I doubt the Sun God even likes Tina Turner very much”.
Tears for Queers play at the George & Dragon tonight from 8ish until after midnight joined by guest star, Britney superfan and cashmere maniac.
Montserrat Caballé arrives at work for dress-down Friday.
Britney Spears has pledged the use of a handsome superfan to Tears for Queers for their internationally loved summerfun party tonight at notorious London fagpit, the George and Dragon. Citing Tears for Queers hugely influential campaign with ragga legend Montserrat Caballé to boycott tabloid press, Britney declared, “Those femme fatals inspired me to ditch the tabloids and hit The Economist” before apparently mimicking a sheep and repeating the word “Baaaaby” countless times.
Montserrat Caballé hitting the floor to Amanda Lear at the latest Tears for Queers
As revelations about tabloid evil poured forth this week, Montserrat Caballé and Tears for Queers responded to the rank lack of decency and democracy by calling on fans to boycott the publications. To combat the inevitable ennui and anxiety of tabloid withdrawal, they recommended fans draw strength by reading a book or looking at pictures of inspirational ladies such aso Pam St Clement, Patti Labelle and Estelle Getty.
Estelle Getty, inspirational leader
Montserrat Caballé is just the latest in a long line of big hat wearing woman to join forces with the High Priestesses of good times, Tears for Queers. Aretha Franklin and the first lady of Cameroon were rumoured to be planning a murderous millinery rumpus at the DJ’s now legendary GutterSlut debut earlier this year. Thankfully no headpieces were harmed and the ladies settled their hat-based differences through a good natured dance off.
Today Tears for Queers invites you to play Hat or Hair with one of our favourite all time superstar legends, a women who not only owns a potent singing talent but also a range of marinades and hot sauces: the supreme Ms Patti Labelle.
Below we present a series of Patti’s greatest hat/hair mash ups. There is also a video to showcase her phenomenal voice (after the greatest all star gospel build up ever) and a startling example of her unique head-based mix up in all its thrusting pomp. Having reviewed the evidence, please solve th interminable riddle which has baffled scientists and hairdressers for over 25 years: hat or hair?
Hat or Hair? Is the whole dress made of hair?
Hat or Hair live!
So, can you solve the riddle which had even the combined talents of Stephen Hawking and Gok Wan stumped on a recent romantic caribbean mini-break?