Monthly Archives: April 2011

Bruni denies wedding snub claiming: I chose GutterSlut

Bruni: I won't miss The Slut for that pair

Carla Bruni, the beautiful First Lady of France who shot to fame in the WWII documentary ‘Allo ‘Allo, denied she was not invited to the royal wedding today.  Twisting a string of pearls on her finger, Bruni insisted that she declined an invitation, preferring to preserve herself for infamous East London disco eruption, GutterSlut.

“I have waited too fucking long to shake my supermodel ass at The Slut to miss it for that pair”, stated Bruni. She went on to decry the Palace’s decision to hold the two epoch defining events so close together.  Bruni is not the only global leader forced to choose The Slut over the royal union. Both Nelson Mandela and Angela Merkel are rumoured to be attending East Bloc instead of Buckingham Palace.

A friend of Mandela’s confided, “I can’t confirm that Madiba will attend but everyone knows he loves Tears for Queers and is a big admirer of everything that’s happened at The Slut”.  Merkel could not be reached for comment.

Biya & Bruni

Bruni allegedly hid Biya's diffuser to limit her hair to just 17cm

If Bruni were to attend The Slut, it would further complicate the night of Chantal Biya.  Biya, already rumoured to be locked in a millinery death match with Aretha Franklin, has had a long running feud with Bruni ever since the French superstar hid Biya’s diffuser to limit the volume of the Cameroonian First Lady’s hair to a mere in 17cm in this famous photo.

Tears for Queers debut at GutterSlut, Saturday 30 May, East Bloc, 217 City Rd, London EC1V 1JN.


Aretha Franklin denies ‘hat fight to the death’ with Chantal Biya will climax at Tears for Queers Gutterslut debut

Queen of Soul and First Lady of Cameroon in ludicrous but lethal "hat fight to the death"

Queen of Soul, Aretha Franklin, today denied rumours that she is locked in a “hat fight to the death” with the increasing titanic headpieces that rest precariously atop the bountiful bouffant of Chantal Biya.  Sources close to Biya, first Lady of Cameroon, believe the feud will climax with blood very much on the dancefloor at Tears for Queers much hyped GutterSlut debut on 30 April.

Notorious East London disco GutterSlut is the natural choice for this millinery rumpus to reach its remorseless conclusion.  It previously hosted the topless mudfight between gender-enlightened disco dynamo Amanda Lear  and former BBC newsreader Moira Stewart.  Stewart lost one eye and two weaves in that brawl but declared it “the best night of her life” thanks to GutterSlut’s sensational selection of party tunes.

The encounter between Biya and Franklin promises to be an altogether more violent affair however.  Franklin is rumoured to maintain her ferocious singing voice by eating live panthers and Biya was Cameroon’s bare knuckle boxing champion for over 13 years.

An unprecedented joint letter from over 17 Nobel Peace Laureates has called on Tears for Queers to intervene.  The international DJ sensations were unavailable for comment today however as they are thought to be leading aid efforts in Libya.  All eyes now turn to their GutterSlut debut where the dancefloor is being lowered by over 3 meters to ensure there is sufficient height for the gravity defying, deadly headpieces.  A planet holds its breath.

Tears for Queers will be playing at the always brilliant GutterSlut at East Bloc, 217 City road, London, EC1V 1JN on 30 April.  The club’s open from 11pm – 6am.  !Ole¡

Tears for Queers Officially Open Summer with UN Secretary General, Ban Ki-moon

TfQ Summer starts here playlist

Sun, shorts, park, beach, hummus dips and hot lips.  The northern hemisphere rejoiced today as Tears for Queers promised “all this and more”, at the official launch of summer alongside italo-disco legend and UN Secretary General, Ban Ki-moon.

UN Secretary General, Ban Ki-moon: “The park is my dancefloor.  I can’t wait to shag ass with Tears for Queers’ summer hits”

To coincide with their opening of the summer season, Tears for Queers have unleashed a sensational summer playlist free on Spotify.  Said Ban, “Summer’s here, at least 35% of the Security Council are already topless and I cannot wait to shag ass to these summer hits”.

Some critics have expressed alarm that the UN should be embracing such a beguilingly provocative playlist as unconfirmed reports emerged of outbreaks of spontaneous love-making across the planet.  Pressed on these concerns, the rejuvenated Secretary General announced enigmatically, “the park is my dancefloor”, before high fiving Tears for Queers and sashaying towards the exit.

To enjoy this exalted summer-starts-here playlist completely free, please click here to open spotify:

TfQ Summer starts here playlist