Aztec King: just pleased to see Sun God’s cruelty back in the news

Tears for Queers will be saving UK summer this evening from 8pm or so in the notorious George & Dragon pub, 2 Hackney Road, London with a euphoric selection of shoe-shifting feelgood hits. Join them. 

King Axayacatl: warns Tears for Queers that Sun God probably not a Tina Turner fan

The Aztec King Axayacatl took the airways today for the first time in over 500 years to throw his support behind a campaign run by legendary DJs Tears for Queers to travel to the sun and save UK summer. Axayacatl sought to woo the Sun God during the 15th century by directly sacrificing up to 20,000 humans a year. The King declined to comment on the likely success of the DJs’ more consensual plan to “reason with sun after a Tina Turner bonding session”. Instead, he used his largely unheralded return from the spirit world to praise Tears for Queers for “at least getting the Sun God’s blood-thirsty cruelty back on the agenda”.

Seeking to justify the scale of human sacrifice his regime oversaw, Axayacatl highlighted the enviable summers Aztec-era Mexico enjoyed and sought to shift responsibility for the “relatively small but not inconsiderable minority” of subjects killed on to the “unreasonable and rapacious Sun God, Tonatiuh”. He expressed disappointment that is has taken a lukewarm British summer combined with leadership from an enthusiastic, but frequently effeminate, DJ group to get the Sun God’s cruelty back in the heart of contemporary debate.

Tonatiuh: "unreasonable and rapacious" Sun God who demanded human sacrifice in exchange for nice weather

Privately, the King is extremely sceptical that the sun will show any willingness to seek consensus with Tears for Queers, despite their previous success persuading Neptune the Sea God to increase the number of prawns available for human consumption in the now infamous Paella Accord. Said the King,”I doubt the Sun God even likes Tina Turner very much”.

Leading physicist, Stephen Hawkings has himself mocked the Tears for Queers plan as “mad as a sack of tits“. Former D:REAM band member and now TV scientist, Professor Brian Cox, sought to quell the row by stating that despite for all Hawkings work in quantum physics he was “no music fan”.

Tears for Queers will be playing superb house party hits with their customary enthusiasm at the George & Dragon tonight from 8pm.


Hawking slams TfQ plan to travel to sun and save UK summer

Tears for Queers will be helping save Britain’s summer this Friday at the George & Dragon, 2 Hackney Road in London from about 8pm with a hitherto unimaginably wonderful selection of party hits.

Betty White has slammed Hawkings description of the plans as ‘mad as a bag of tits’.

Global DJ sensations, Tears for Queers, have announced an ambitious plan to voyage to the sun in an attempt to reason with the giant orb and save the UK’s summer. Condemning the lack of action by politicians and businesses to tackle the unjust weather, the DJs propose to lead a delegation which will try to reach consensus with the famously intransigent star.

The sun - unavailable for comment today

The bold initiative to travel 149 million kilometres to talk to an inanimate object with a surface temperature of 5500°C, has sparked a bitter Twitter row between Nobel laureate physicist Prof. Stephen Hawkings and former Golden Girls actress Betty White.

Hawkings slammed the plan as unworkable, claiming it was “mad as a bag of tits” and going to so far as to promise to “eat my own buttocks” should it succeed. An infuriated Betty White attacked Hawkings’ defeatism and called on people to rally behind her beloved Tears for Queers. White called the interplanetary pow wow “worth a pop” before symbolically opening a bottle of champagne with her breasts.

Temperatures soared in London today in what some commentators have speculated to be a conciliatory gesture from the sun ahead of the proposed meetings with Tears for Queers.

Kidman models TfQ’s mission suit which ‘combines protection with formality’.

For their part, the beloved global party-purveyors, used long time supporter Nicole Kidman to model the suits they intend to wear on their mission. Kidman highlighted the suit’s “perfect combination of protection and formality for a meeting of this kind”.

UN Secretary General and italo-disco legend, Ban Ki-moon, invited Tears for Queers to officially launch summer in April of this year.  Since then though, Ban has made public his extreme concern with the insipid progress summer has made in the UK.  A source close to Ban confided that, “while politicians haggled over who to blame for the cruel, cruel summer, Tears for Queers stepped up with the clarity that has made them so valuable on the global stage whether they be fermenting the Arab Spring or inventing the sequin”.

Tears for Queers will use their monthly residence at notorious London den the George and Dragon to rally support for their Save UK Summer campaign. They are calling on supporters to come to bar from 8ish until midnight “to shake some ass and flirt the summer back in to life”. Professor Hawkins is not expected to attend.

Britney Pledges Superfan to Montserrat Caballé & TfQ Campaign

Tears for Queers play at the George & Dragon tonight from 8ish until after midnight joined by guest star, Britney superfan and cashmere maniac.

Montserrat Caballé arrives at work for dress-down Friday.

Britney Spears has pledged the use of a handsome superfan to Tears for Queers for their internationally loved summerfun party tonight at notorious London fagpit, the George and Dragon. Citing Tears for Queers hugely influential campaign with ragga legend Montserrat Caballé to boycott tabloid press, Britney declared, “Those femme fatals inspired me to ditch the tabloids and hit The Economist” before apparently mimicking a sheep and repeating the word “Baaaaby” countless times.

Montserrat Caballé hitting the floor to Amanda Lear at the latest Tears for Queers

As revelations about tabloid evil poured forth this week, Montserrat Caballé and Tears for Queers responded to the rank lack of decency and democracy by calling on fans to boycott the publications. To combat the inevitable ennui and anxiety of tabloid withdrawal, they recommended fans draw strength by reading a book or looking at pictures of inspirational ladies such aso Pam St Clement, Patti Labelle and Estelle Getty.

Estelle Getty, inspirational leader

Montserrat Caballé is just the latest in a long line of big hat wearing woman to join forces with the High Priestesses of good times, Tears for Queers. Aretha Franklin and the first lady of Cameroon were rumoured to be planning a murderous millinery rumpus at the DJ’s now legendary GutterSlut debut earlier this year. Thankfully no headpieces were harmed and the ladies settled their hat-based differences through a good natured dance off.

Rafa Nadal: “My jock and I love Tears for Queers”

Rafa: introduced to Tears for Queers at interminable Oprah luncheon

The world’s greatest tennis player and preeminent jockstrap ambassador, Rafa Nadal, has revealed his love for DJ legends Tears for Queers. The toned and tanned tennis hottie made the unexpected declaration ahead of today’s Wimbledon semi-final and Tears for Queers much hyped appearance at Hackney fagpit, the George & Dragon.

“I was introduced to Tears for Queers by Patti Labelle and Michelle Obama at one of Oprah’s damned, interminable luncheons”, explained Nadal to a bemused press pack. “I really related to their energy and shorts. And I just loved their peerless collections of feelgood party hits”.

When the assembled reporters pressed Nadal to explain what this had to do with his performance at Wimbledon, the buff beauty shrugged enigmatically, “ask my jock”.

Tears for Queers, currently pioneering a cure for tuberculosis that harnesses the power of sandwiches, offered no comment but dedicated the following video in tribute to both Rafa and his undergarments.

Tears for Queers unleash their unique party fun on the first Friday of every month from 8 until 12ish at The George & Dragon, 2-4 Hackney Road, London.
Watch Salt n Pepa ft En Vogue – Whatta Man.mpg in Music  |  View More Free Videos Online at

Rumours of new Tears for Queers cell send hot pant sales soaring in NYC

The Panda undercover preparing to launch the New York cell

Sales of hot pants reached record levels in New York this week fuelled by rumours that international party sensation, Tears for Queers, may be forming a cell in the city. A Tears for Queers operative known only as “The Panda” and famed for her sensational legs in hot, hot pants is expected to arrive stateside within a week.

Tears for Queers were unavailable for comment this week as they are simultaneously leading efforts to liberate Yemen and invent a entirely new kind of sandwich. That has not stopped New Yorkers from going hotpant crazy however.

Hathaway: punched full force in the face by Jane Fonda over crump slur

A frenzied Mariah Carey was seen wrestling David Duchovny to the ground in the new hotpant zone of Bloomingdale’s. Jane Fonda punched Anne Hathaway full force in the face when the younger starlet claimed The Panda was set to crump in her lounge. The cast of Gossip Girl are stepping up their efforts to tempt The Panda to join the show as the new CEO of Bass Enterprises.

All that is known for certain is that Tears for Queers are back at the George & Dragon tonight, Saturday 14 June, for a bonus night of sweaty, euphoric party hits to move your feet and shake your ass.

Ugandan MP calls for Eurovision viewers to be force-fed windmachines

Tears for Queers Eurovision Scorecard 2011

Rice and Carola: pop lovers and wind machines have inalienable rights.

Tears for Queers are leading global opposition to the latest legislative outrage targeting homos and lovers of low brow pop in Uganda . The “Bill to Stop Anal Intrusion through Transcontinental Good Evening Europe Music Bumfest” calls for any Ugandans caught watching Eurovision to be force fed a wind machine. Wind machines are a key feature in around 84% of all performances in the famous song contest.

Local groups in Uganda bravely led opposition to the proposed legislation. Their campaign reached an international audience this week though as global party sensation Tears for Queers brought together a powerful coalition of world leaders and Eurovision legends to fight the Bill.

Condoleezza Rice made a long awaited return to the political arena to stand alongside Carola, winner of the contest for Sweden in 1991. In a joint statement on the steps of the UN headquarters in New York, the formidable pair called on Ugandans to reject the Bill, citing “the inalienable rights of pop lovers and wind machines to celebrate Eurovision in peace”.

Sandra Kim and Nancy Reagan appeared on the The Gayle King show.

In a separate event, Sandra Kim, the 1986 winner, appeared on the Gayle King show with Nancy Reagan.

To encourage peaceful defiance of the Bill, Tears for Queers have published their annual scorecard which can be downloaded for free. They are encouraging as many people as possible to download the scorecard and revel in Eurovision’s unique magic unbowed by fear, ridicule or oppression. Eurovision takes place this Saturday, 14 May.

Tears for Queers Eurovision Scorecard 2011

Tears for Queers refuse to rule out Hilary Clinton DJ debut at George & Dragon this Friday

Clinton - her spontaneous rap at the assassination of Bin Laden impressed military leaders.

Speculation that US Secretary of State and dancehall legend Hilary Clinton will make her DJ debut at homo-hotspot The George and Dragon continues to grow.   It is rumoured that Clinton will join party powerhouse Tears for Queers at the infamous Hackney fagpit this Friday.

Tears for Queers, currently supporting pro-democracy protests in Syria, refused to deny the rumours.  A source close to Clinton revealed however that the Secretary of State has earned admiration across Congress for her inspirational reggae beats.  “Whenever we get together to shake our hoops, its always Hils who gets the party started”, said the historic political rival.  Watching the recent assassination of Osama Bin Laden live alongside the President, Clinton burst in to a spontaneous dancehall rap that drew widespread praise from military bigwigs.

Tears for Queers play every first Friday of the month from 8pm-12ish at The George and Dragon, 2-4 Hackney Road, London E2 7NS.