Monthly Archives: August 2011

Aztec King: just pleased to see Sun God’s cruelty back in the news

Tears for Queers will be saving UK summer this evening from 8pm or so in the notorious George & Dragon pub, 2 Hackney Road, London with a euphoric selection of shoe-shifting feelgood hits. Join them. 

King Axayacatl: warns Tears for Queers that Sun God probably not a Tina Turner fan

The Aztec King Axayacatl took the airways today for the first time in over 500 years to throw his support behind a campaign run by legendary DJs Tears for Queers to travel to the sun and save UK summer. Axayacatl sought to woo the Sun God during the 15th century by directly sacrificing up to 20,000 humans a year. The King declined to comment on the likely success of the DJs’ more consensual plan to “reason with sun after a Tina Turner bonding session”. Instead, he used his largely unheralded return from the spirit world to praise Tears for Queers for “at least getting the Sun God’s blood-thirsty cruelty back on the agenda”.

Seeking to justify the scale of human sacrifice his regime oversaw, Axayacatl highlighted the enviable summers Aztec-era Mexico enjoyed and sought to shift responsibility for the “relatively small but not inconsiderable minority” of subjects killed on to the “unreasonable and rapacious Sun God, Tonatiuh”. He expressed disappointment that is has taken a lukewarm British summer combined with leadership from an enthusiastic, but frequently effeminate, DJ group to get the Sun God’s cruelty back in the heart of contemporary debate.

Tonatiuh: "unreasonable and rapacious" Sun God who demanded human sacrifice in exchange for nice weather

Privately, the King is extremely sceptical that the sun will show any willingness to seek consensus with Tears for Queers, despite their previous success persuading Neptune the Sea God to increase the number of prawns available for human consumption in the now infamous Paella Accord. Said the King,”I doubt the Sun God even likes Tina Turner very much”.

Leading physicist, Stephen Hawkings has himself mocked the Tears for Queers plan as “mad as a sack of tits“. Former D:REAM band member and now TV scientist, Professor Brian Cox, sought to quell the row by stating that despite for all Hawkings work in quantum physics he was “no music fan”.

Tears for Queers will be playing superb house party hits with their customary enthusiasm at the George & Dragon tonight from 8pm.

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Hawking slams TfQ plan to travel to sun and save UK summer

Tears for Queers will be helping save Britain’s summer this Friday at the George & Dragon, 2 Hackney Road in London from about 8pm with a hitherto unimaginably wonderful selection of party hits.

Betty White has slammed Hawkings description of the plans as ‘mad as a bag of tits’.

Global DJ sensations, Tears for Queers, have announced an ambitious plan to voyage to the sun in an attempt to reason with the giant orb and save the UK’s summer. Condemning the lack of action by politicians and businesses to tackle the unjust weather, the DJs propose to lead a delegation which will try to reach consensus with the famously intransigent star.

The sun - unavailable for comment today

The bold initiative to travel 149 million kilometres to talk to an inanimate object with a surface temperature of 5500°C, has sparked a bitter Twitter row between Nobel laureate physicist Prof. Stephen Hawkings and former Golden Girls actress Betty White.

Hawkings slammed the plan as unworkable, claiming it was “mad as a bag of tits” and going to so far as to promise to “eat my own buttocks” should it succeed. An infuriated Betty White attacked Hawkings’ defeatism and called on people to rally behind her beloved Tears for Queers. White called the interplanetary pow wow “worth a pop” before symbolically opening a bottle of champagne with her breasts.

Temperatures soared in London today in what some commentators have speculated to be a conciliatory gesture from the sun ahead of the proposed meetings with Tears for Queers.

Kidman models TfQ’s mission suit which ‘combines protection with formality’.

For their part, the beloved global party-purveyors, used long time supporter Nicole Kidman to model the suits they intend to wear on their mission. Kidman highlighted the suit’s “perfect combination of protection and formality for a meeting of this kind”.

UN Secretary General and italo-disco legend, Ban Ki-moon, invited Tears for Queers to officially launch summer in April of this year.  Since then though, Ban has made public his extreme concern with the insipid progress summer has made in the UK.  A source close to Ban confided that, “while politicians haggled over who to blame for the cruel, cruel summer, Tears for Queers stepped up with the clarity that has made them so valuable on the global stage whether they be fermenting the Arab Spring or inventing the sequin”.

Tears for Queers will use their monthly residence at notorious London den the George and Dragon to rally support for their Save UK Summer campaign. They are calling on supporters to come to bar from 8ish until midnight “to shake some ass and flirt the summer back in to life”. Professor Hawkins is not expected to attend.