Category Archives: Uncategorized

Harry to Marry: It’s Princess Lear!

Prince Harry has announced his shock engagement to the Queen of Chinatown, Amanda Lear.

With Britain set to celebrate the Queen’s silver jubilee and the Royal family still basking in the glow of William’s showstopping wedding a year ago, Prince Harry has delighted royalists and disco fans alike by announcing that he is to wed Amanda Lear.

The Queen is said to be delighted with the news, even quoting a line from one of Lear’s hits in a hastily arranged meeting with US Secretary of State Hilary Clinton. Said Her Majesty, “Is Lear devil or angel? Is she question or answer? Is she real or am I dreaming?”.

The Queen clearly enthused about Prince Harry’s choice of bride at a hastily arranged meeting with Hilary Clinton.

Lear, an acclaimed artiste and one time concubine of the late Salvador Dali, is said to have met the Prince at a Richmond branch of the upmarket supermarket chain Waitrose. Reaching for a tub of preserved artichokes, the diva locked eyes with a somewhat inebriated Harry who offered ‘to give a little mmh’ to her before making a lewd reference to his ‘ginger disco balls’.

Windsor-watchers are on the whole positive about the union. Last year’s wedding between Prince William and Kate Middleton led to an unprecedented surge in support for the Royal family and the arrival of Princess Lear would certainly capture the world’s attention.

For their part, Lear’s legion of fans are somewhat divided. Some are delighted to see their heroine take her rightful places amongst the regal elite and speculating wildly on what the adventurous dresser will wear at what they are already dubbing ‘the wedding of the disco-llenium”. Others though point to the tragic horrors that befell another iconic, glamorous blonde who married in to the House of Windsor: Princess Diana. Whatever the outcome, Prince Harry has guaranteed that all eyes will be on the Royals for some time to come.

Amanda Lear is rumoured to be a transsexual.

Tears for Queers have been chosen to host a special engagement party to celebrate this wonderful union tonight at the George & Dragon, Hackney Road, London from 8pm . Come. Come. Come.

Advertisements

Dilma Rousseff: the Dancehall President?

DJ Dilma at work

DJ President Rousseff shows Tears for Queers her fun side with incredible, filthy Ladies of Dancehall playlist. Click here to hear Dilma’s Dirty Divas.

Brazilian President Dilma Rousseff has stunned world leaders and Jamaican music fans alike by releasing a mixtape of lady-led dancehall floor fillers. Until now Dilma had been more famous for her economics than her passion for dancehall divas with strident views on a woman’s right to receive oral sex. But it was while serving time in prison for revolutionary conspiracies against Brazil’s loathed military dictatorship that a young Dilma fell in love with dancehall.

The mixtape brought a huge boost to Dilma’s poll numbers, provoking other leaders to try and prove their credentials in the race for the title ‘World’s Flyest National Leader’. An impromptu skiffle performance by David Cameron fell flat after he misread the mood in a recent European Council meeting.

Dilma’s playlist has been released in partnership with international DJ sensations, Tears for Queers. Tears for Queers will be dropping some of Dilma’s nastiest selections alongside some wholly uncomplimentary pop tunes this Friday at the George and Dragon in Hackney, East London.

Dilma’s Dancehall Divas playlist in full:

Tears for Queers play, soaked in gin, first Friday of the month every month in the George and Dragon for free from 8ish to 12ish

Two songs to improve any morning

Your man, if he has any sense Eartha, is a long, long way from here.  With interiors to make any Congolese dictator jealous, a stare that could petrify livestock and her trademark growl, it’s a highly enjoyable slice of morning disco.

This one has no video but is so catchy you will be tormenting colleagues for hours

Sister Sledge: never afraid to braid.

Hawking slams TfQ plan to travel to sun and save UK summer

Tears for Queers will be helping save Britain’s summer this Friday at the George & Dragon, 2 Hackney Road in London from about 8pm with a hitherto unimaginably wonderful selection of party hits.

Betty White has slammed Hawkings description of the plans as ‘mad as a bag of tits’.

Global DJ sensations, Tears for Queers, have announced an ambitious plan to voyage to the sun in an attempt to reason with the giant orb and save the UK’s summer. Condemning the lack of action by politicians and businesses to tackle the unjust weather, the DJs propose to lead a delegation which will try to reach consensus with the famously intransigent star.

The sun - unavailable for comment today

The bold initiative to travel 149 million kilometres to talk to an inanimate object with a surface temperature of 5500°C, has sparked a bitter Twitter row between Nobel laureate physicist Prof. Stephen Hawkings and former Golden Girls actress Betty White.

Hawkings slammed the plan as unworkable, claiming it was “mad as a bag of tits” and going to so far as to promise to “eat my own buttocks” should it succeed. An infuriated Betty White attacked Hawkings’ defeatism and called on people to rally behind her beloved Tears for Queers. White called the interplanetary pow wow “worth a pop” before symbolically opening a bottle of champagne with her breasts.

Temperatures soared in London today in what some commentators have speculated to be a conciliatory gesture from the sun ahead of the proposed meetings with Tears for Queers.

Kidman models TfQ’s mission suit which ‘combines protection with formality’.

For their part, the beloved global party-purveyors, used long time supporter Nicole Kidman to model the suits they intend to wear on their mission. Kidman highlighted the suit’s “perfect combination of protection and formality for a meeting of this kind”.

UN Secretary General and italo-disco legend, Ban Ki-moon, invited Tears for Queers to officially launch summer in April of this year.  Since then though, Ban has made public his extreme concern with the insipid progress summer has made in the UK.  A source close to Ban confided that, “while politicians haggled over who to blame for the cruel, cruel summer, Tears for Queers stepped up with the clarity that has made them so valuable on the global stage whether they be fermenting the Arab Spring or inventing the sequin”.

Tears for Queers will use their monthly residence at notorious London den the George and Dragon to rally support for their Save UK Summer campaign. They are calling on supporters to come to bar from 8ish until midnight “to shake some ass and flirt the summer back in to life”. Professor Hawkins is not expected to attend.

Britney Pledges Superfan to Montserrat Caballé & TfQ Campaign

Tears for Queers play at the George & Dragon tonight from 8ish until after midnight joined by guest star, Britney superfan and cashmere maniac.

Montserrat Caballé arrives at work for dress-down Friday.

Britney Spears has pledged the use of a handsome superfan to Tears for Queers for their internationally loved summerfun party tonight at notorious London fagpit, the George and Dragon. Citing Tears for Queers hugely influential campaign with ragga legend Montserrat Caballé to boycott tabloid press, Britney declared, “Those femme fatals inspired me to ditch the tabloids and hit The Economist” before apparently mimicking a sheep and repeating the word “Baaaaby” countless times.

Montserrat Caballé hitting the floor to Amanda Lear at the latest Tears for Queers

As revelations about tabloid evil poured forth this week, Montserrat Caballé and Tears for Queers responded to the rank lack of decency and democracy by calling on fans to boycott the publications. To combat the inevitable ennui and anxiety of tabloid withdrawal, they recommended fans draw strength by reading a book or looking at pictures of inspirational ladies such aso Pam St Clement, Patti Labelle and Estelle Getty.

Estelle Getty, inspirational leader

Montserrat Caballé is just the latest in a long line of big hat wearing woman to join forces with the High Priestesses of good times, Tears for Queers. Aretha Franklin and the first lady of Cameroon were rumoured to be planning a murderous millinery rumpus at the DJ’s now legendary GutterSlut debut earlier this year. Thankfully no headpieces were harmed and the ladies settled their hat-based differences through a good natured dance off.

Rafa Nadal: “My jock and I love Tears for Queers”

Rafa: introduced to Tears for Queers at interminable Oprah luncheon

The world’s greatest tennis player and preeminent jockstrap ambassador, Rafa Nadal, has revealed his love for DJ legends Tears for Queers. The toned and tanned tennis hottie made the unexpected declaration ahead of today’s Wimbledon semi-final and Tears for Queers much hyped appearance at Hackney fagpit, the George & Dragon.

“I was introduced to Tears for Queers by Patti Labelle and Michelle Obama at one of Oprah’s damned, interminable luncheons”, explained Nadal to a bemused press pack. “I really related to their energy and shorts. And I just loved their peerless collections of feelgood party hits”.

When the assembled reporters pressed Nadal to explain what this had to do with his performance at Wimbledon, the buff beauty shrugged enigmatically, “ask my jock”.

Tears for Queers, currently pioneering a cure for tuberculosis that harnesses the power of sandwiches, offered no comment but dedicated the following video in tribute to both Rafa and his undergarments.

Tears for Queers unleash their unique party fun on the first Friday of every month from 8 until 12ish at The George & Dragon, 2-4 Hackney Road, London.

http://www.veoh.com/swf/webplayer/WebPlayer.swf?version=AFrontend.5.7.0.1060&permalinkId=v1499950Qke9PnWg&player=videodetailsembedded&videoAutoPlay=0&id=anonymous
Watch Salt n Pepa ft En Vogue – Whatta Man.mpg in Music  |  View More Free Videos Online at Veoh.com

Rumours of new Tears for Queers cell send hot pant sales soaring in NYC

The Panda undercover preparing to launch the New York cell

Sales of hot pants reached record levels in New York this week fuelled by rumours that international party sensation, Tears for Queers, may be forming a cell in the city. A Tears for Queers operative known only as “The Panda” and famed for her sensational legs in hot, hot pants is expected to arrive stateside within a week.

Tears for Queers were unavailable for comment this week as they are simultaneously leading efforts to liberate Yemen and invent a entirely new kind of sandwich. That has not stopped New Yorkers from going hotpant crazy however.

Hathaway: punched full force in the face by Jane Fonda over crump slur

A frenzied Mariah Carey was seen wrestling David Duchovny to the ground in the new hotpant zone of Bloomingdale’s. Jane Fonda punched Anne Hathaway full force in the face when the younger starlet claimed The Panda was set to crump in her lounge. The cast of Gossip Girl are stepping up their efforts to tempt The Panda to join the show as the new CEO of Bass Enterprises.

All that is known for certain is that Tears for Queers are back at the George & Dragon tonight, Saturday 14 June, for a bonus night of sweaty, euphoric party hits to move your feet and shake your ass.