Aztec King: just pleased to see Sun God’s cruelty back in the news

Tears for Queers will be saving UK summer this evening from 8pm or so in the notorious George & Dragon pub, 2 Hackney Road, London with a euphoric selection of shoe-shifting feelgood hits. Join them. 

King Axayacatl: warns Tears for Queers that Sun God probably not a Tina Turner fan

The Aztec King Axayacatl took the airways today for the first time in over 500 years to throw his support behind a campaign run by legendary DJs Tears for Queers to travel to the sun and save UK summer. Axayacatl sought to woo the Sun God during the 15th century by directly sacrificing up to 20,000 humans a year. The King declined to comment on the likely success of the DJs’ more consensual plan to “reason with sun after a Tina Turner bonding session”. Instead, he used his largely unheralded return from the spirit world to praise Tears for Queers for “at least getting the Sun God’s blood-thirsty cruelty back on the agenda”.

Seeking to justify the scale of human sacrifice his regime oversaw, Axayacatl highlighted the enviable summers Aztec-era Mexico enjoyed and sought to shift responsibility for the “relatively small but not inconsiderable minority” of subjects killed on to the “unreasonable and rapacious Sun God, Tonatiuh”. He expressed disappointment that is has taken a lukewarm British summer combined with leadership from an enthusiastic, but frequently effeminate, DJ group to get the Sun God’s cruelty back in the heart of contemporary debate.

Tonatiuh: "unreasonable and rapacious" Sun God who demanded human sacrifice in exchange for nice weather

Privately, the King is extremely sceptical that the sun will show any willingness to seek consensus with Tears for Queers, despite their previous success persuading Neptune the Sea God to increase the number of prawns available for human consumption in the now infamous Paella Accord. Said the King,”I doubt the Sun God even likes Tina Turner very much”.

Leading physicist, Stephen Hawkings has himself mocked the Tears for Queers plan as “mad as a sack of tits“. Former D:REAM band member and now TV scientist, Professor Brian Cox, sought to quell the row by stating that despite for all Hawkings work in quantum physics he was “no music fan”.

Tears for Queers will be playing superb house party hits with their customary enthusiasm at the George & Dragon tonight from 8pm.

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