Harry to Marry: It’s Princess Lear!

Prince Harry has announced his shock engagement to the Queen of Chinatown, Amanda Lear.

With Britain set to celebrate the Queen’s silver jubilee and the Royal family still basking in the glow of William’s showstopping wedding a year ago, Prince Harry has delighted royalists and disco fans alike by announcing that he is to wed Amanda Lear.

The Queen is said to be delighted with the news, even quoting a line from one of Lear’s hits in a hastily arranged meeting with US Secretary of State Hilary Clinton. Said Her Majesty, “Is Lear devil or angel? Is she question or answer? Is she real or am I dreaming?”.

The Queen clearly enthused about Prince Harry’s choice of bride at a hastily arranged meeting with Hilary Clinton.

Lear, an acclaimed artiste and one time concubine of the late Salvador Dali, is said to have met the Prince at a Richmond branch of the upmarket supermarket chain Waitrose. Reaching for a tub of preserved artichokes, the diva locked eyes with a somewhat inebriated Harry who offered ‘to give a little mmh’ to her before making a lewd reference to his ‘ginger disco balls’.

Windsor-watchers are on the whole positive about the union. Last year’s wedding between Prince William and Kate Middleton led to an unprecedented surge in support for the Royal family and the arrival of Princess Lear would certainly capture the world’s attention.

For their part, Lear’s legion of fans are somewhat divided. Some are delighted to see their heroine take her rightful places amongst the regal elite and speculating wildly on what the adventurous dresser will wear at what they are already dubbing ‘the wedding of the disco-llenium”. Others though point to the tragic horrors that befell another iconic, glamorous blonde who married in to the House of Windsor: Princess Diana. Whatever the outcome, Prince Harry has guaranteed that all eyes will be on the Royals for some time to come.

Amanda Lear is rumoured to be a transsexual.

Tears for Queers have been chosen to host a special engagement party to celebrate this wonderful union tonight at the George & Dragon, Hackney Road, London from 8pm . Come. Come. Come.

Katy Perry’s Hollywood Smile Secret: DJ Dentist Told Me to Drink Cat’s Milk Straight from Cat

Perry with her trademark cat's milk smile alongside fat lactating feline

Legendary DJ and ‘dentist to the stars’ joins Tears for Queers tonight at 8ish for unprecedented party mayhem at the George and Dragon, 2 Hackney Road, London.

In a bizarre revelation, pop star Katy Perry has revealed the secret behind her incandescent million-dollar smile: cat’s milk. Perry claims her teeth transformed almost overnight from a dank, tarred brown to their current brilliance after she took unorthodox advice from an elusive dentist/DJ. The famous dentist, whose identity is unknown but whose clients include countless celebrities, instructed the California Gurls star to whiten her nashers by drinking cat’s milk direct from the cat. “You gotta get it right from the teat”, said Perry.

The glamorous dentist/DJ is renowned amongst the world’s rich and famous who will do anything to uncover her identity and join her select clientèle. However, the eminent clinician/entertainer only treats patients she herself chooses, rendering their tireless efforts futile. Madonna and Robert Mugabe are just two leading figures reported to be “devastated” by their failure to get themselves among the chosen few while several villages across the Sudan have benefited from the elusive molar-maniac’s little reported humanitarian work.

Originally from Galicia in Spain, the bewitching clinician is as famous for her film star good looks as her pioneering, if unorthodox, orthodontic advice. Yet it is her emergence as a leading DJ that is perhaps most surprising. She is famed across the planet for the potency of her anthemic party selections. It is only natural then that she should join forces with Tears for Queers tonight for an unprecedented frenzy of feelgood houseparty hits.

Pilar Bardem: "As a woman, a patient and music aficionado, I cannot describe the pride and joy I feel today knowing the dentist is joining Tears for Queers tonight at the George and Dragon from 8ish. Fiesta total".

The great and good from across the planet have been quick to laud the pairing. Pilar Bardem, who the mysterious DJ/dentist once advised to chew raccoons for halitosis, this morning declared her joy at hearing the news. “As a woman, a patient and music aficionado, I cannot describe the pride and joy I feel today knowing the dentist is joining Tears for Queers tonight at the George and Dragon from 8ish. Fiesta total”.

Tears for Queers (@tearsforqueers) play a floor shaking selection of party hits the first Friday of every month in notorious London den the George and Dragon, 2 Hackney Road, from 8ish to 12ish for free. Come and shake booty.

Aztec King: just pleased to see Sun God’s cruelty back in the news

Tears for Queers will be saving UK summer this evening from 8pm or so in the notorious George & Dragon pub, 2 Hackney Road, London with a euphoric selection of shoe-shifting feelgood hits. Join them. 

King Axayacatl: warns Tears for Queers that Sun God probably not a Tina Turner fan

The Aztec King Axayacatl took the airways today for the first time in over 500 years to throw his support behind a campaign run by legendary DJs Tears for Queers to travel to the sun and save UK summer. Axayacatl sought to woo the Sun God during the 15th century by directly sacrificing up to 20,000 humans a year. The King declined to comment on the likely success of the DJs’ more consensual plan to “reason with sun after a Tina Turner bonding session”. Instead, he used his largely unheralded return from the spirit world to praise Tears for Queers for “at least getting the Sun God’s blood-thirsty cruelty back on the agenda”.

Seeking to justify the scale of human sacrifice his regime oversaw, Axayacatl highlighted the enviable summers Aztec-era Mexico enjoyed and sought to shift responsibility for the “relatively small but not inconsiderable minority” of subjects killed on to the “unreasonable and rapacious Sun God, Tonatiuh”. He expressed disappointment that is has taken a lukewarm British summer combined with leadership from an enthusiastic, but frequently effeminate, DJ group to get the Sun God’s cruelty back in the heart of contemporary debate.

Tonatiuh: "unreasonable and rapacious" Sun God who demanded human sacrifice in exchange for nice weather

Privately, the King is extremely sceptical that the sun will show any willingness to seek consensus with Tears for Queers, despite their previous success persuading Neptune the Sea God to increase the number of prawns available for human consumption in the now infamous Paella Accord. Said the King,”I doubt the Sun God even likes Tina Turner very much”.

Leading physicist, Stephen Hawkings has himself mocked the Tears for Queers plan as “mad as a sack of tits“. Former D:REAM band member and now TV scientist, Professor Brian Cox, sought to quell the row by stating that despite for all Hawkings work in quantum physics he was “no music fan”.

Tears for Queers will be playing superb house party hits with their customary enthusiasm at the George & Dragon tonight from 8pm.