With the nuclear futures of Iran and North Korea unclear and tensions rising in Russia, Paris Hilton is to begin an unpaid internship with NATO. Hilton, renowned for such insights as “it’s good to just smile and go on with your day”, convinced NATO’s boss to take her on after she was inspired to read Sun Tze’s Art of War at an fundraising buffet hosted by Warren Buffet.
Buffet’s Buffet is an annual charity bash hosted by the world’s richest man to raise money for a range of causes attended by the great and good from the world of politics, finance and pop. It climaxes in a typically near-nude party with legendary DJs, Tears for Queers. Hilton however spent almost the entire event deep in conversation with Chinese Vice President Xi Jinping. Paris was later seen wearing her glasses and her serious face to read Jinping’s personal copy of Sun Tzu’s Art of War, which has pictures.
The heiress then cornered NATO Secretary General Anders Fogh Rasmussen between a cheeseplant and Angela Merkel to demand he give her an internship in his office to “you know, like, help take over the world and stuff”. Paris, an upbeat blonde heiress who is seen by some as an incarnation of much of what is wrong with modern life, will join the international military alliance on an unpaid basis for the month of January.
Leading voices within NATO are known to be nervous about Hilton’s potential influence over Rasmussen at this critical time. In an attempt to counter those fears, the Secretary General’s Office focussed on Hilton’s love of Art of War, a cornerstone of strategic thought in war and business for over 2500 years. To demonstrate how Tzu’s bible of military maxims has influenced Hilton, NATO published a selection of Paris’s own aphorisms entitled Geopolitical Pearls from Paris!. It received a mixed reception from commentators however drawing praise from Justin Bieber but scorn from Henry Kissinger who immediately tweeted a withering one word response, “LOLZ!”.
Wise words from Paris, the Sage of Socialites:
- “It’s good to just smile and go on with your day”.
- “Trust is just a feeling that you have”.
- “Having a nightclub in your house really helps for having a party, because then you don’t need to go out”.
- “Dress cute wherever you go. Life is too short to blend in”.
- “You may not be able to be hot when you’re seventy-five in a conventional sense. Like, young people won’t think you’re hot. But your husband will, and so will people your own age”.
Tears for Queers will be reprising some highlights from their Buffet’s Buffet set at their regular first Friday of the month residency in the The George & Dragon, from 8ish, on 6th January.