Bruni denies wedding snub claiming: I chose GutterSlut

Bruni: I won't miss The Slut for that pair

Carla Bruni, the beautiful First Lady of France who shot to fame in the WWII documentary ‘Allo ‘Allo, denied she was not invited to the royal wedding today.  Twisting a string of pearls on her finger, Bruni insisted that she declined an invitation, preferring to preserve herself for infamous East London disco eruption, GutterSlut.

“I have waited too fucking long to shake my supermodel ass at The Slut to miss it for that pair”, stated Bruni. She went on to decry the Palace’s decision to hold the two epoch defining events so close together.  Bruni is not the only global leader forced to choose The Slut over the royal union. Both Nelson Mandela and Angela Merkel are rumoured to be attending East Bloc instead of Buckingham Palace.

A friend of Mandela’s confided, “I can’t confirm that Madiba will attend but everyone knows he loves Tears for Queers and is a big admirer of everything that’s happened at The Slut”.  Merkel could not be reached for comment.

Biya & Bruni

Bruni allegedly hid Biya's diffuser to limit her hair to just 17cm

If Bruni were to attend The Slut, it would further complicate the night of Chantal Biya.  Biya, already rumoured to be locked in a millinery death match with Aretha Franklin, has had a long running feud with Bruni ever since the French superstar hid Biya’s diffuser to limit the volume of the Cameroonian First Lady’s hair to a mere in 17cm in this famous photo.

Tears for Queers debut at GutterSlut, Saturday 30 May, East Bloc, 217 City Rd, London EC1V 1JN. https://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=199364706771127&ref=ts

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